I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize