I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
