well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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