The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize