I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
