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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
