I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
