Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
