Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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