he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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