I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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