If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
