Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
