Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
