yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
