When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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