I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
