then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
