I met the friendliest cop last night
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
