I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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