I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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