haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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