i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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