dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
