You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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