I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
