also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
