i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
