This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
