I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
