i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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