I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
