My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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