we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
