We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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