I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
