Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
