So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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