i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
