So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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