yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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