I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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