I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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