I could make wine with my vomit
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
