Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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