Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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