I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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