So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
