My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
