I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize