the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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