Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
