Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
