I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
