You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
