Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
