Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
