I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Life is so much better after having sex.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
